Dreaming of Surf

I want to dream about surfing. I wish I could dream about surfing. But I can’t.

I day dream about surfing.

I mind surf waves at the beach, in videos, and on the cams.

I think about surfing before I go to bed. I think about surfing as I wake up. It’s usually the reason I get out of bed in the morning and the cornerstone around which the rest of my day is planned.

But I never dream about it.

My dad dreams about surfing. He tells me about his dreams when I ask if he’s gone out recently, inferring that surfing in his dreams is just as good or better than the real thing. He’s even mentioned a few times that he dreams of surfing nightly.

Because I can’t relate, I get a small feeling that he is lying to me about it which sets off a chain reaction of thoughts and emotions I have trouble controlling. In an instant the box hiding my insecurities about our relationship is opened and my mind is flooded. Unfulfilled expectations, comparisons with my siblings, and my embarrassing immaturity are just a few of the insecurities I can identify.  For each one I can identify there’s one hundred I can’t. Like the roots of a tree they dig down in ever smaller threads woven into my body. 

I feel a flush of warmth through my body and the mounting pressure in my head I call frustration. In an effort to close the box before my emotions reach the surface, I quickly change the topic. Does he notice when I do this? Is he privy to this survival technique my brother and I have cultivated and relied on for all our lives? 

I’m also jealous. I know how real dreams can be and how sweet the good ones are. I know how a good dream can have me waking up smiling while a nightmare can leave me shaken long into the day.

It would be nice to wake up feeling like I’ve already caught the wave of the day. Instead, I seek out that special feeling only surfing can deliver the hard way. I’m up early, checking the weather, comparing it with the forecast, adjusting calculations of where to go. Turning my wetsuit right side in, I’m second-guessing which board to ride and reminding myself to hydrate before leaving the house.   

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